Trail of Fears

Late in the afternoon on a stormy day in April, I found myself faced with an uncommon fear of the weather. Uncommon for me, that is. Weather has always fascinated me, and rarely does it scare me. But this day was different. The day was April 27^th. The weather was tornadoes. As I sped down a country road outside of Huntsville, Alabama, I was faced with both the fear of the known, and the unknown. What I knew was that a large tornado was bearing down on the town I lived in, the strength of which gave small odds for survival in a home without a basement. So I fled. What I didn't know was whether or not I was safely out of the tornado's path. With my view was blocked by rows of tall, Alabama pine trees, and a shield of very heavy rain, I was hit with this sinking feeling that only made me want to drive faster. In that moment, my mind was flooded with thoughts (Will I survive? Did I make a bad choice trying to flee? Why can't I get out of this heavy rain? If the tornado is behind me, why is debris still falling from the sky?)

Quick check. How’s everybody doing? Is your blood pumping a little? I know mine is. Fear has a way of doing that. It tends to get our blood pumping and heavily influence our decision-making. The question is, which way is it pointing? Fear isn't always a negative emotion. Sometimes it's exactly what we need to help us make a healthy decision. For many, myself included, the challenge is knowing when to follow fear, and when to disengage.

If we rewind my story from April 27th, there was a moment of decision-making where fear began to factor in more strongly. The Tornado Warning had been issued, and I was faced with a decision - do I stay or do I go? I remember looking out the window and seeing debris start to fall from the sky. In that moment, I decided to hop in my car and just go. I didn't know if our house would be hit, but knowing what I knew about the tornadoes that day, I felt it was my best choice. A healthy fear of tornadoes drove me to drive away that day. I had to push through the what-ifs and go with my gut, essentially. Now, I'm not here to argue that the choice I made was the best, but in the moment, I made the choice that I thought was the best in light of the evidence in front of me.

Staring down the "barrel of a tornado" is one thing, but what about those fears of the unknown that aren't quite as clear-cut as debris falling from ominous skies with tornado sirens blaring? What about those times you are faced with a difficult forecast, knowing you are going to have to make some tough messaging decisions that could be perceived by some as a big bust if wrong? Or what about that presentation you've got coming up that is highlighting something new, but could rub some people the wrong way? Maybe you just accepted a promotion, but are wondering if you'll be effective in the new role. This is where fear can take an unhealthy turn. 

In 2018, I was promoted to a General Meteorologist position at the NWS office in Wichita, KS. Early on in my days there, I remember being face to face with a different "barrel" - the fear of failure. Out of the blue, I started wondering if I would be able to forecast severe weather, issue good warnings, etc. Nobody is perfect, but in my 20/20 hindsight view, there was no compelling evidence from my career to that point that I would tank in the new position - no "debris falling from the sky". But in my mind, I assumed the best of the best got to work in a Plains office (regarding severe weather), and I didn't believe I was one of those. I had a real case of what many in the weather community now refer to as the "imposter syndrome". 

It was an unhealthy fear that was based in imaginative thoughts, not compelling evidence. It's one thing to see a tornado bearing down on you and then decide to drive 80 mph in the opposite direction. It's another thing to see clear, blue skies, and then decide to drive 80 mph in some direction because a tornado might form at any minute. See the difference?

But let's be honest. If you've ever faced a big fear (imminent, possible, or imagined), getting past it is much easier said than done. The imposter syndrome I faced in Wichita took me a good 2 years to get over, and to this day, it still tries to creep in once in awhile. It's a tough battle. I can't tell you how many times I wondered, while writing an AFD, briefing the next shift, or collaborating with neighbors / SPC / WPC, if what I was saying or typing was even remotely in the ballpark of being legit. In my mind, I could "hear" the gasps and laughter in people's minds as I explained my reasoning for a forecast or warning decision. I can't tell you whether people were actually gasping or laughing on the other end, but I can say that the fear of those reactions drove me to unhealthy decisions. On numerous occasions I had the right idea in mind for the evolution or magnitude of a severe weather event, but didn't say what I thought out of fear of being wrong or "laughed at". I let a might happen steer me towards a decision based in unhealthy fear. Those decisions not only hurt me, they also hurt others. Not mentioning a tornado threat to an emergency manager, even when the science says it's possible, impacts more than just me.

That's just one example from my career, but there are so many other ways we can let unhealthy fear steer our decisions. Fear of how we are perceived (our image), fear of failure, fear of being misunderstood, fear of letting down a manager or co-worker, fear of backing the GOV up and hitting another person's car, and the list goes on and on. Ok, maybe that last one is just me. The point is, whether you deal with more fear than the average person, or you just deal with the occasional fear once a year, it can be tough to work through. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I've been learning a lot about fear management over the years, and would love to share some ideas that might help you along in your journey. Below are some Key Takeaways from what I've learned so far...

YOU’RE NOT ALONE. If you don’t get anything out of this post, I hope that you at least hear that you are not alone. I intentionally shared some of my fears for this reason alone. I can’t tell you how encouraging it is when I hear someone else share about a fear I also deal with. You’d probably be surprised how many different fears even your most respected friends, colleagues, or mentors deal with. On a side note, as you feel comfortable, sharing a fear with someone else could be just as helpful for them as it is for you. Fears aren’t fun to share, I get it, but just a thought. This could be especially helpful for mentors. I believe the best mentors are the ones who are the most real.

WORKING THROUGH FEARS IS A PROCESS. This is a reality I’ve had to come to terms with. Working through fears usually takes time and practice. One of the worst things you can do is beat yourself up every time you let an unhealthy fear impact a decision. I get so annoyed with myself when I don’t do what I know I should do, and vice-versa. If this is you, give yourself some grace. Working through fears is like riding a bike. You just can’t hop on and expect to be zooming down the street from day 1. Make sure you are giving yourself room to grow. One thing I’ve found to be helpful is journaling. Sometimes I’ll take time to go back and read an entry from the past and see how I’ve progressed over time with a particular fear. I've also found it helpful to talk with a trusted friend, family member, or co-worker. The HOW will vary from person to person, but what’s important is progress. Instead of focusing on never worrying about issuing warnings, for example, look and see if you are worrying less and less about warning decisions.

DON’T ENGAGE. One of the things a good friend of mine challenged me on recently is to not engage in fearful thoughts when they pop in my head. I know…WAY EASIER said than done. But, remember, it’s a process that takes time. I’ve had so many moments where I thought, “don’t engage, don’t engage” …only to then engage the fearful thought. It’s like trying not to comment on a politically charged post on social media. But, the more and more I’ve practiced not engaging in a fearful thought, the better I’ve become. I love the analogy Craig Groeschel gives. He compares fearful thoughts to a trail in the woods. The more a trail is walked on, the easier the path becomes for future hikers. Similarly, he argues, the more we engage in a fearful thought, the more established a “thought trail” will become in our mind, making it easier for the fear to resurface again. As much as possible, the less we can engage in those thoughts, the harder it is for them to resurface in the future. 

Similarly, in Disney’s “Luca”, one of the characters tells another to say “Silenzio Bruno!” to those fearful thoughts. The caveat here is that this isn't for everyone. As Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile point out in "The Road Back to You", some personality types actually do better when they engage in a fearful thought and talk their way through it. 

BE INTENTIONAL. This one can be challenging, but sometimes I will intentionally put myself in a situation where I typically struggle with a particular fear. For years, public speaking made me super nervous. So how did I work through that fear? I intentionally put myself in situations where I would be required to speak in public. Many times I stuttered, or spoke too softly, or messed up an important point, but over time, it became less and less scary. I still get nervous before speaking in front of people, and that may never go away, but the fear of public speaking doesn't have the hold on me that it used to. Maybe for you it's the fear of forecasting, issuing warnings, or coming up with the code for a new GUI. Choose the intentional moments wisely, but sometimes the best way to break the fear of falling off a bike is to just get on.

Bottom line (not up front), fears are painful, annoying, and mentally exhausting. But, you are not alone, and I believe they are manageable. Understand the reality that you may not completely get over a fear, but also know that fears don't have to be the primary driving factor in decisions. Be patient with yourself, talk them out with others, and develop good thought habits. 

I'll leave you with this. Michel de Montaigne said, "He who fears he shall suffer already suffers what he fears.". It takes a few times through to grasp what he is saying, but the gist of what I believe he is saying is that unhealthy fear drives us to make unhealthy decisions, which in essence causes unnecessary impacts for both us and those around us.

Thanks for reading this far. Reading through a post about fear can be challenging enough, and I know for some it may bring up painful reminders. Heck, just typing it out has brought up some fears. I’m not here to tell you that a 4-step process is all you need for removal of all fears. Some fears go away, other stick around. Whether you are conquering fears or managing them, my hope is that this post will help you move towards a place that's driven less and less by unhealthy fears.

If you have found some helpful ways to manage fears, please share away! We can learn together.